Just as an orthopedic surgeon wouldn’t replace their own knee, sometimes coaches need coaches to help support their path forward. While I learn from my clients every day, some of my most impactful lessons have come from being a client myself. I’m super lucky to be able to work with some smart, intuitive and insightful coaches to keep me moving forward on my path.
A couple years ago, I was really struggling with a lot of obstacles and uncertainty as I was getting to the other side of some mysterious health stuff, all while starting a new career. I was second guessing most of my choices and walking around with a lot of glasses half-empty. To have that much self-doubt was unfamiliar territory. I was creating my own fear-based narrative every day, leaving me stuck and unable to move forward. One of my favorite coaches brought to life the concept of Facts vs. Stories, which forever changed how I look at my own ability to affect my path forward.
Facts are fairly simple. They are the observable events that are seen without judgement or emotion. They are concrete and objective. If you video recorded an event, anyone watching it would concur with a set of facts.
- “She didn’t stop at the stop sign.”
- “He didn’t call me.”
- “I lost my job.”
Stories, on the other hand, are often not as simple. As a storyteller, you don’t simply create a beginning, middle and end. You add perspective and evaluation. Your experiences and feelings help define the facts and give them meaning.
- “She was probably distracted and not paying attention, so blew the stop sign.”
- “He must be mad at me, so hasn’t called.”
- “I am worthless because I wasn’t needed at my job.”
Of course, not all stories are negative; we can easily create a positive outlook on a set of facts as well. But, that is not where anxiety, suffering and stagnation set in. The sticky parts are where we have an opportunity to do the work, spend some time and call on our creativity to do a rewrite.
When life is coming at us hard and fast, it can feel like we are living in a pinball machine, bouncing off of one tough circumstance into another. Where do we find energy and space to stand grounded in our own autonomy? How do we tap into our own strengths and resources to find another way? When does that optimistic vision of what’s possible show up and help define an alternate script?
Stories aren’t permanent. Recognizing that a current feeling isn’t a forever state of fact, you can start to decide if that story is serving you, or if it’s something you want to rewrite. You may not get to choose the facts that have happened, but you can choose how to move forward using strengths, values and resources already in your toolbox.
Here are some questions that could spark an edit of story that you want to rewrite:
- What are only the facts of the situation? What emotions might be driving my interpretation of the facts? (Fear, anger, jealousy, pain, etc.)
- If this set of facts happened to a friend, how would I interpret the situation?
- With the same set of facts, what would be an opposite story I could write? (Even if you don’t believe it yet, your brain starts to register there is an alternative.)
- What am I good at? How can these strengths help me make one small choice to challenge my current story?
- Am I letting my past write my story? Instead, what would my future self wish I’d written?
We need stories. Stories are good. Stories motivate us and are the fuel to move us forward. Stories help us connect with others. Stories shape our emotions and self-determination. We have the power to create stories that ground us, pull us out of a tailspin, and see something else is possible.
Since we are the main characters of our own lives, when we change the story, we implicitly change the storyteller. We change how we think, how we show up, and our entire way of being. Stories are incredibly powerful tools. The long and short of it is….becoming a good self-story editor takes practice. Committing, experimenting, learning, trying again. Find small wins, and take a moment to recognize how you impacted a new story for yourself.
Check out this great TED Talk by Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and advice columnist, around “How changing your story can change your life”. If this topic interests you, definitely a well-spent 16 minutes.