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Here’s hoping everyone reading this found the holiday season they were seeking, filled with what they needed.
As all the New Year’s Resolution talk ramps up as we approach January 1st, I am reminded of how many of us don’t need a “New Year New You” mantra. I work with a lot of clients who are really trying to get stuff off their plates, and not take on more, especially in the form of a New Year’s Resolution. It can feel so heavy to think we should be doing more….more obligation, more stress, more guilt.
In fact, often what we need is to just let go–let go of commitments, let go of stuff that’s weighing us down, and sometimes even let go of relationship dynamics that drain us.
We just need. some. space.
That could mean purging a closet or pantry for more physical space. For some, it’s saying no to others to have more space for their own priorities and goals. It could mean spending less time with certain people or groups because the relationship is about where you’ve been, not where you’re going.
All this boxing-up, boundary-making and letting go can feel overwhelming. Whether it’s things or people or patterns, they were all part of getting us to where we are. They can make us feel safe and remind us of good times, the people we were, and potential we felt.
Working with clients, I have found this idea of just letting go without adding back can be really tough. We often equate capacity with obligation. If we have time or space, shouldn’t we be maxing out our days, hours and minutes? The reality is that things like opportunity, possibility and positive potential can be really hard to see when are up to our eyeballs in stuff, things to do, places to go. When we don’t have a minute to look, feel and reflect, it’s hard to change and grow in the ways we want.
As most of you know, I recently moved to Bozeman, Montana. I feel super lucky to live in another beautiful place, with lots of friends and new adventures. With so much outdoor access so close, we are also surrounded by lots of wildlife, including deer, elk and an occasional moose.
We are just approaching “casting season”, where male animals with antlers shed them. As daylight has decreased, so has their testosterone. The calcium attaching their antlers to their skulls weakens and eventually the antlers fall off (this doesn’t hurt!).
I’ve been thinking of this metaphor a lot lately. A set of antlers is THE defining feature of a male deer, elk or moose. They grow them to fight for territory and breeding rights. However, as they roam around in the winter, they don’t seem stressed by their loss of antlers. They innately know that there are seasons and uses for their crowning glory. When resources tend be more sparse, like winter, they shed them to prioritize nutrients.
Their loss is another creature’s gain. When antlers fall to the ground, they are fair game for squirrels, opossum, coyotes and bears who gnaw on the bones for extra minerals, protein and other nutrients.
Almost as soon as the deer, elk and moose lose their antlers, the process of growth starts again in the Spring. We can’t see it, but internally it’s happening. Blood vessels and nerves are forming and as more nutrients are available in Spring and Summer, deer antlers can grow up to a 1/2-inch a day!
Assuming ample resources and nutrients, a deer’s antlers grow back bigger and more suited for their job each year. While it was a process to let last year’s go, with a supportive environment, a new bigger and better version shows up perennially.
Likewise, our own changes in environment, age and strengths determine what we need to reach our goals. With an appreciation for what has served us, how can we accept and appreciate that we are in different chapters, with different priorities? How can we let go to have some space for future growth–even bigger and better than where we’ve been?
If you’re looking to create some space–physical, schedule, emotional–I’ve added some questions below you can ask yourself They may help spark some ideas around what you need, vs. what can be let go to lighten your load.
- Is this task, commitment or thing about who I’ve been, or who I’m becoming?
- Looking at my to-do list, what matters most? How will I feel when it’s complete? What matters least? What will happen if I don’t do it?
- What does this thing represent to me? If I no longer have it in my physical space, does that change the meaning?
- Assuming a thing no longer is used, what purpose did it serve? Could it help someone else in a similar way?
- Will anyone notice if this thing is gone? Will anyone notice if I don’t do this task?
- What do you want your closet, calendar or community to look like when you’re done letting go? How will your life be different?
- If I have space on my calendar, what would happen if I didn’t fill it? How will it feel to keep that space for myself, creating a “nothing to-do”?
- What activities or people in my social circle do I dread spending time doing or spending time with? Imagine how I would feel to just stop scheduling those activities or time with those people.
- What doesn’t need to happen now, happen at all, or happen by me?
- Who are the people from whom I want to be influenced, from whom I want to learn? Who fills me up vs. who empties my tank?
Please reach out if you have more questions, have ideas for future topics, or I can support you in any way. I’m at kellyg@kellygorder.com.
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